The Sisterhood is Back

And the world stood still…

for the wait is over.

Before I begin I’d just like to thank the DE Crew from the bottom of my loving heart for very sweet time last week. It really was the bee’s knees and I thank you dearly for all the good times.

As you may or may not know, everything I write on this site I’m dead serious about. I don’t joke about anything ever and everything written has been clearly thought out and very meaningful with a purpose. Donkey banana honey-fuggling capping the climax.

Now then, as you may recall, during the God’s Day workshop thing I made a lot of sexist remarks. I’m talking sexist. These remarks were usually heard for most part by one person. Now I won’t tell you her name, for security purposes, but I will say her names starts with an ‘E’ and rhymes with ‘my spleen.’ These remarks were very sexist, but also very hilarious. I stand by all of my jokes and I will not apologize to any woman for making them, because they are the truth.

I apologize deeply and sincerely …to all the brothers for not being even more sexist. You see, these were more than just mere jokes; these were the facts of life.

Its not that women belong in the kitchen, it’s that women really do belong in the kitchen. Its not that all women need to able to cook for their man, it’s that all women better be able to cook for their man, if they know what’s good for them.

Please don’t get me wrong here, I’m not saying that all women must lead a life of servitude to their husband’s, but what I am saying is that would be nice if you did. I’m not saying that a women is forced to just cook, and clean, and raise children for the rest of her life, she can do other things too. Things like gardening, and knitting, and decorating, party planning and food shopping, and laundry.

I’m not saying that women can’t do more guy oriented things like driving, and sports, and construction work. What I am saying is that women are not as good as men at those things, and never will be. In fact women aren’t even better than men at womanly things. The only reason we, and buy ‘we’ I mean men, keep you ladies around is for procreation.

If you think about it, men really are the greater gender. Example: God created men first, then women. He created women in man’s image. And don’t be pulling that bullshit joke about God getting it right the second time because this is God we’re talking about here. He doesn’t make mistakes.

Men are just naturally better than women. Period.

Now before you, and by ‘you’ I mean a person of female gender, get all upset at what I just wrote, just think about it. No really, think about it. I believe if you think long enough, you’ll realize that what I’m saying rings true. That deep down, you know what I’ve just wrote, all of it, is the absolute truth.

So get in that kitchen and start cooking. And make something edible this time.

Also, ladies, you can all thank me for helping you see the light with a generous cash donation to the Jayson Lima Drive. Even small donations of one, two hundred dollars are acceptable. We do not accept credit cards; however I will take blank checks written out to cash.

The Jayson Lima Drive is a profit organization to help Jayson become the laziness son of a butch this side of the Mississippi, with all proceeds going to Jayson himself.

28 Days Later…

Hello ladies and gentlemen, or should I say what’s the jizz skanky bitches?

Recently, I’ve discovered some shocking news.

It seems everyone, except myself, has a myspace account.

Now, I’m not a myspace basher, although if you’re having a ‘myspace bashing partly’ I’ll be glad to join in, but I do hate myspace.

So it comes as no surprise what my reaction was when I found out that not only does Lukas have a myspace, but so does Sam and Tymon and Gabe. Guen-chik and Tasnah, Eileen and Sarah, and yes even my brother has one.

On the scale of surprise, I was very mildly surprised.

So anyways, as if that news wasn’t shocking enough to all the people who have a myspace to find out that I know that they have a myspace, I was looking at all your myspaces and I found a very interesting survey taken and posted by Sam entitled:

Your Life: The Soundtrack

I checked out his song selections for “his life soundtrack” and I thought it was…well to be honest Sam, I didn’t like your choices. At all.

Perhaps it is just my taste in music, or perhaps it is because I just can’t see why any of those songs, save one or two, are any good. However, you think so, so that’s all that really matters.

I liked the idea of this ‘your life soundtrack’ so much that I made one of my one. Now before you go “what makes your choices any better than Sam’s?” let me just tell you that they are better. And in my opinion, it just might the best soundtrack to anyone’s life ever. It might be.

Here are my choices:

Your Life: The Soundtrack
Opening credits:	The Boxer - Simon & Garfunkel                                      Listen to it here
Waking up:	Woke up this morning - A3                                             Listen to it here
Average day:	The World is Yours - Nas                                               Listen to it here -or- Damn it feels good to be gangsta - Geto Boys           Listen to it here
First date:	Two of Us - The Beatles                                                 Listen to it here
Falling in love:	Catch the wind - Donovan                                               Listen to it here
Love scene:	Colours - Donovan
Fight scene:	Welcome to the Jungle - Guns N' Roses                          Listen to it here
Breaking up:	Yesterday - The Beatles                                                  Listen to it here
Getting back together:	Fire and Rain - James Taylor                                           Listen to it here
Secret love:	All Right Now - Free                                                       Listen to it here
Life's okay:	Jumpin' Jack Flash - The Rolling Stones                           Listen to it here
Mental breakdown:	Don't let it Bring you Down - Neil Young                         Listen to it here
Driving:	Funk No. 49 - James Walsh                                            Listen to it here
Learning a lesson:	Across the universe - The Beatles                                    Listen to it here
Deep thought:	Everybody's Talkin' - Harry Nilsson                                 Listen to it here
Flashback:	Green Bird - Yoko Kanno                                               Listen to it here
Partying:	The Night Chicago Died - Paper Lace
Happy dance:	Express Yourself - Charles Wright                                   Listen to it here
Regreting:	Trouble - Cat Stevens                                                     Listen to it here
Long night alone:	How do you sleep? - John Lennon                                   Listen to it here
Death scene:	In My Life - The Beatles                                                  Listen to it here
Closing credits:	Sloop John B - The Beach Boys                                      Listen to it here
Take this survey | Find more surveys

 

Yes, yes, I know. Their all awesome.

No applause, just money. And no I do not accept checks.

Oh yeah and -uh- shit, tits, bumping donuts, faggot-face, clit-clatting, clam-jousting, making tortillas, and axillary intercourse.

To whom it may concern,

Over the course of my long, arduous, and strangely erotic xanga career, it seems that I have set many limitations on my writing. Now, you may be thinking, “What do you mean by that?” or you may be thinking, “Did I just read the words ‘strangely erotic’?” What I mean by limitations is simply that I’ve been censoring my work, for your benefit.

            I would ask myself, when writing a post, “Is this a little too, PG-13?”, or “Is this a little too, homo-erotic?” and I’d have to change my writing to keep it clean. Well not anymore. Now that I am an adult, and have been since Friday, I will no longer be censoring my work. No more baby stuff, its time for me to grow up. And if you don’t like it, well then you can just go suck a lemon.

            Sometimes when I’m writing, I feel like I want to use the words “fuck” or “shit” or “damn bitch!” just because I feel it would spice up the story. Of course, those who know me know I don’t like working blue, personally I think it’s just a cheap way of garnering laughs or making your story somehow better. What I am saying is that when I feel like it, I will put an appropriate curse word at the appropriate time.

            Expect me to start using more bold and edgy words like “Bitch ass motherfucka,” or “Hella bitch ass motherfucka” when writing about something. Don’t have horrified gasps on you face when you read, “Balls to the walls” or “Hemorrhoid cream”. I am not hateful, nor am I mad at anything; I just like using curse words every now and then.

            Occasionally, I feel like writing about something somewhat disgusting or in bad taste, but I never do because I’m always concerned about you, the reader, and your feelings. Now I’m trying top break through this censor wall I’ve created for my writing and start talking like a normal man, with an extremely vulgar vocabulary. If I want to write about something gross I will. You and your feeling will just have to deal with it.

            Maybe sometime I’ll start talking about genitalia for no particular reason, when before I would never even dream about using the word genitalia in a sentence. I mean genitalia isn’t a cruse word, it’s a perfectly acceptable word for describing your sex organs, and I’m going to start using it a lot from now on. You should be ready to any and every word written from me, from ass to teabagging.

            Words that I would never think about before, let alone ever using, I’ll gladly use. Words like skank, and bastard, and cornhole. Dingleberry, douche, jerkoff, and jizz. Muff, moose knuckle, piss, poontang, prick, and scat. Hell, prick, shit, slut, bitch, blumpkin, cleveland steamer and assclown. Dirty seagull, donkey punch, Dropping the Chalupa, Dutch oven, and giz. Wanker, bull dyke, fag, fudge packer, gringo, ho, honky, and jackass. Jiggaboo, jungle bunny, moon cricket, pillowlips, spit on the hobo, toss the salad, and much, much more!

            Of course, the chances of me saying all those words in another single post are slim to nil. I’ll probably just use like one or two every now a then. I’m just letting you know I’m no longer for kids TV; I’m more like no kids TV.

            For those of you still reading this, I say thank you. Thank you for taking time out of your precious day to read these horrible unspeakable words I just wrote. I will be expecting many angry and hurtful comments following this post.

    Dictated. Not read,

    The Management.

So, I have yet to finish my glorious montage to Gabe, since I just started today, but trust me it’ll be great.

For those of wondering what “glorious montage to Gabe means” you’ll just have to find out in my next post.

So I guess I’m just killing time here.

So, uh, hello everybody…

everybody

…what’s up?

That’s cool.

…

How ‘bout them…Jets?

…

So, anyways…

Um…

Ah…

Huh….

…well goodbye!

Bye, bye, bye.

Bye.

Are you gone?

What do you mean no?

Well since you’re here, I might as well make a real post.

A real, unfunny, post.

Really.

No seriously, I’m telling you, I’ll do it.

A real post.

With real words.

About real things.

And it won’t be hilarious.

Starting now.

Now.

Now.